Burden

There’s this space in my chest

that fills me. 

Existing heavily and thoroughly.

Maybe it’s the lack of sleep 

making me crazy. 

My body existing around the abyss,

paradoxically consumed by its essence.

Inside of me but not of me. 

Of me, but my dreams are not part of the recipe.

My dreams absorbed or worn like skin, but just the beginnings survive. 

The ends may yet live in the blackness or just beyond it.

Inside of my hollow chest is weighted nothingness. 

Or inside of the hollow nothingness, I exist? 

How can one know if in the abyss? 

I’ve never known how to point to something

that was formless. 

I cannot wait to breath, yet all I do is wait for the next inhale. 

I want silence, but everything screams it’s presence. 

I want love but would settle for contempt.

I want peace but would settle for adrenaline. 

I want meaning but would settle for the end of it. 

Spitting bars about the end of it.

Whispering I just want a friend in it.

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The End is Just Ahead

I micromanaged my happiness

and was dead set on only enjoying life

if it worked out with him.

Our relationship made to be the conduit

for energy spent.

I left no space for miracles

and placed a ceiling on my growth.

Life got harder and harder,

I held on tighter.

My tunnel vision grew.

There were life wraths thrown,

exit signs pointed out,

words of wisdom throw up at the mouth.

And still I said no to peace

if I couldn’t have peace with him.

I want to end with some revelation,

to make it all make sense.

A deep exhale of my breath.

But it’s just a trail of lessons

I leave behind,

and problems to solve ahead.

Learning myself to no end.

There’s no standard set,

just endless wars

and big deep breaths.

My self-worth just ahead.

I will keep pushing for failure

until I am dead.

Fuckboys Pay Child Support

Dearest Fuckboy,

Where do I begin

when addressing a middle aged man

with his dick forever in his hands?

We all know what you like:

Fuck me once, fuck me twice

but get limp dick when my feelings get precise.

Not ready? Working on yourself, you say?

Been out drinking every week

since before the legal drinking age.

Not a day in church since

you chased the tail of a different babe.

Can’t handle honest feedback in any sorta way.

Get offended when my patience runs out,

act like working on things isn’t getting real

about the gap between your actions and what you actually say.

Climbing the latter at work is also out.

Put a baby inside of me though just as well,

Then act like you’re shocked at how things work.

(Insert dick, spray, now baby is on the way).

Say you’ll be there and then don’t,

Want me to act surprised but I won’t.

Got Friend of the Court’s number saved.

Go ahead and start referring to me as Bae.

#pissmeoffagainandiwillfileforchildsupport.

The Lone Wolf

I can feel the swell of heartbreak, in my chest…

in my smile.

I look for love

Always trying to drink from a dry well

Hurting myself, forgetting to breathe

Suffocated by the misery of unkept promises,

Unfilled expectations…

Wondering how I will survive another day shadowed in sadness…

Another day of being alone

Wanted by men who are really just boys, 

Pursued half heartedly by whores,

Not one of them strong enough to hold me…to hug me.

I look down, escaping the eyes of those around me.

Knowing that they see me for nothing…nothing of my truth.

I’m battleworn not broken.

I need support not saving.

I need eyes and tongue,

a hand on my leg when he’s driving.

Possession though I won’t be owned,

I swallow the tears back…

the lovesickness dispelling gloom from my essence,

The longing morphing time into an eternity of sorrow.

I am unloved. Forgotten and gone already.

Dying more each day in my self sacrifice.

Wishing for everything

and getting only that which I have bled for.

Bleeding on this paper,

I die again and am reborn into the lone wolf,

alone and hungry.

This Tear

I keep writing about you

As if you will ever read any of this

I laid awake last night

Waiting for you to call but you didn’t 

Apparently “I will see you later”

Is actually just a passive statement

Not meant to imply that you are setting aside time for me

Who would have thought it?

Now I’m up at six a.m. 

Feeling like shit about my own reflection

Wondering if I lost the weight in my stomach

Or looked different

Would that make this pain less omnipresent?

I’m thinking about the lost sleep

The feeling of gloom that shadowed my soul

As I laid in my bed, quite possibly forever alone

I didn’t cry but maybe I ought to

I just thought I would be damned

If I let you get one more tear

Knowing you were probably snuggled next to another woman’s ear

Whispering the things

That I had wished to hear

And now I have to look in the mirror

And compose myself

Knowing I’ve lost another night’s sleep 

Because I choose this cell

Imprisoned by my choices in men

Never able to quite comprehend

My own accountability in this mess

Confused by the pain

As I continue wishing for you in vain

But I’ll be damned if you get this tear.

I Won’t Pretend for You

I’m not that woman.

I can’t…I won’t,

smile while my heart is breaking. 

I won’t swallow back the scream

that is threatening to explode from my chest cavity

when you break my heart.

I won’t hide my feelings to make you feel comfortable.

I’m that wild kind.

The awkward kind…never too shy to show you my teeth.

The type that won’t let you whisper half hearted goodbyes.

I will bleed in front of you.

I will rage in front of you.

But I will cry alone…never allowing you to take my fire.

I’m not that woman.

I demand answers for unfulfilled promises,

Empty words that inspired me to hope,

For the kiss in the night

And the cold shoulder when the sun is out.

I’m not your damn pillow.

My kiss is just an echo of what’s real

You can’t run to me if you won’t fight for me

Remember that when you’re too much of a coward to follow your heart

Remember that when I look lovely…

When you catch me pacing back and forth 

Like a lioness that hasn’t quite decided whether I should eat you or protect you.

When your lies tangle together…

When loving me feels like a mistake.

I will never be anything other than what I have been all along.

I won’t pretend for you.

I love you. And I won’t pretend.

I’m not that woman.

Satiety

You are sweet to me when I lay underneath of you. 

Affectionate and careful to love

every part of my imperfect body

Holding me tight enough

That I begin to daydream about what could be blossoming between us

The minute I leave your bed,

I am full of questions

A taste in my mouth that feels like fear

Distrusting every time you smiled at me

Remembering every moment that 

you didn’t say “beautiful”

Counting every day that you didn’t call,

Every morning that you didn’t wake up next to me.

I put a gift back today,

I thought of you when I was out

A pair of boots I knew you wanted made me pause 

And without thinking, I placed them in my cart

Unconsciously taking action on feelings that I have no right to have

I came to my senses just before checkout

Reminding myself that you have given me nothing

Outside of a smile when I see you

A warm hug when you approach

and simple sex on days when being with me doesn’t inconvenience you

I find that I am hungry when you need me

And full from disappointment when you don’t.

As It Turns Out

Part 1

You’ve held me before

and I remember wishing for forever.

Hope filled my heart

though I had thought my heart was full of emptiness,

a well that could not take a drop more.

Your imperfections died in the easiness of your smile,

in the twinkle that lived in your eyes

when your gaze found me.

“I love you”, I declared, full of energy – 

    -so happy that the world must know!

Part 2

Your careful affection, when you spoke of responsibilities and promises made to others,

did not make me pause

and hindes sight waited in later.

Part 3

I told myself that I loved you,

even as you slowly pulled away

leaving no room for me in your life.

“I love you”, even as the words

began to feel like acid on my tongue,

tasting like the pain of rejection..

“I want you, the way you smell,

the devouring nature of your kiss”,

even as you took my breath from me,

leaving me falling into the abyss –

back to the place that I had existed before you had called love to my heart.

“I love you”, I cried,

even when those words no longer fell from your lips.

Part 4

You told me that we are soul mates 

destined to be apart.

I desperately disagreed, begging you to find the courage to follow your heart.

“You’re killing me”, I choked out.

Pulling back as suddenly as you had swept in.

I handed you my heart and patiently waited as you examined it

I felt you squeeze your fist tightly

Watching my heart break like glass,

falling to the ground in shards.

“You’ve killed me!”

I exclaimed as I gathered the pieces

My hands bloody and outstretched,

Like giving fire back that which it has already burned.

Begging you to hold my heart in its demise.

You turned away from me. 

I’m alone,

drinking the weakness in,

trying to remember where I placed my strength.

Part 5

Even with time, I haven’t forgotten you.

My soul reaches for you now and then.

Sometimes I find myself unconsciously consumed with love for you,

With daydreams of our future together. 

I wonder if you think of me.

I tell the wind that I still love you.

Part 6

I remember that I shouldn’t linger in the past.

That feelings spent can’t be cashed in.

That words spoken can’t be recalled.

I remember that you saw me for all that I am 

and discarded me. 

Love was not our story.

You were never mine to hold.

Part 7

I look forward to life,

With an open heart and wanderlust eyes,

knowing my worth is greater than what you valued it for. 

I am courageous and genuine 

Authentically living and loving

Pausing for self reflection only,

Never allowing the world to dim the fire that carries my soul

I am free in a world of slaves

And my memory of us has been discarded 

Like chains that once held me captive in insecurities.