I meant to Write…

I hoped to write about my pride

A Mother who thrives,

Made up of wins

And not a whisper of has-been

Working every day towards

Goals I’ve set forth

With a clear mind and strong resolve

Not a second wasted

On wondering where I expect to land

Ten years time down in my plans

Looking at vacations

Love, sex, and accomplishments

That weren’t intended to be owned

By a single mother with no flavor

Breaking the mold

Owning the title of survivor

Wearing a crown like a queen

Who transcended expectations

Of a girl who was once just a poor west sider

I meant to write about

How good I look in the mirror

When my makeup is done just right

Or how by breasts compliment the curves

Of my hips so nice

Bringing out rhymes that taste like lust

Turning to love when the mystery

Of my smile is found in the seat of my soul

Which rests deeply in the light of my eyes

Sharing in my victories

Victorious in my day to day grind

I meant to forget that today I cried

The Witch of Breadcrumbs and Smiles

I felt pretty today

Though not a single man spoke to it

I felt lighter today

Though I ate pizza rolls the night before

Knowing with each bite,

My belly would become more bloated

I don’t know how I woke up

Feeling the sun on my skin

When the clouds kept the sun to just a dim

I’m confused on why happiness chased me

Or rather was a trail that I left

Like bread crumbs and smiles

Though I had no candy or special prize to offer

I wasn’t dealt a loss that was more than I could handle

or more than I expected

My feet are a bit sore

But I could have stayed at work

An hour longer than requested

I even found myself airing up

My semi flat tire after a long day’s work

Without a thought to how bitter the air

Felt on my cheeks

Fighting the slow leak

I’ve noticed since several weeks back

I even laughed more than I had yesterday

Catch me making gains

On the surface

I wonder why the pain wasn’t present?

Why was the calm so omnipresent?

I caught myself smiling

And didn’t even hold my breath one time

To hear the thoughts or opinions

Of any man that

May have taken a moment to say

“You look like I wish you were mine.”

And my smile didn’t break

When I walked into my apartment

Quiet as empty can sound

Not even my son’s laughter to fill the space

Fore he is staying the night at my mom’s place

I took a bath in silence

And found myself whistling an off beat tune

My thoughts were so quiet

I even had time to appreciate the moon

This is lovely I thought

My blankets making way for my warmth

I can sit here tonight

In silence

And not waste a minute to mourn

The keys on this laptop softly clicking

Morphing this calm

Into a trail of quiet joy

Murderous Beat

I keep hearing I’m sweet

Like the look in my eyes

Doesn’t match my murderous beat

I can say, “Please…

really look at me.”

The way I smile is just a tease

A lie

Behind sweet

I’m thinking about how

I will be bringing you to your knees

Like a fucking savage

Thinking ‘bout how you will lie on your back

Like you trust me not to bite your belly

Blood in my teeth

You taste yummy

Your opinion of me is my gasoline

Are you feeling my hostility?!

Observing is not your best quality

Sick of being told I look cute

When I know I can be sexy

I’m a woman not a damn puppy

And I’m badass in situations

That challenge me

Fucking sick of being

That girl that nobody takes literally

Got me tripping, like I’m an obscurity

Thinking about an incision

Knife in my teeth

I got words of killer quality

You got me laughing at your opinion

Hysterically, my life full of mediocrity

DON’T YOU FUCKING SEE ME!?

Do you not have vision

of what I could be?

Just staring at me like I’m fishing

I look you in the eyes deliberately

Gazing at you lovingly

And with a vengeance

I’m all passion

But tell me I’m sweet one more damn time

And watch me go savage

I Want To Apologize For My Incorrigible Appetite

I think about him on and off throughout the day

Whether or not he does the same

Is a mystery

And it wouldn’t matter if he did

Because when he isn’t getting ahold of me

He isn’t kissing me

Or being attentive

He’s wrapped up in his own life

And I’m just a distraction

He’s got his priorities to look after

In the same breath, I have Zane to look after

and even though it scares him

that I’m a mother,

whose son needs a father figure

He said he is still drawn to my laughter…

that he will do better

But I held my breath so long

My face is turning purple

I might as well let other dudes

Start spitting their game to me

As if I’m watching commercials

Flipping the channels

Bored out my mind by the same old shit

Playing back to back

I’m sitting home alone

Reading books

Drowning myself in paper

So that I don’t have time to think

about the word “lack”

Gotta stay busy

Because really I like him too much

It’s not even a mystery

On why I’m sad

But I think his heart has been trampled

By a woman he thought was worthy

The irony

I’m a great woman,

With integrity,

whose affection would never leave him wondering

And he’s a great man who

Could never appreciate getting what he asked for

Because life is all about what we don’t have

Chasing after paper, attention, kisses, affection,

Appreciation from the one who

Only appreciates power…or distractions

And I’ve realized that it is my disposition

as much as his

to want for more than we get

That feeling the lack of attention

is actually my fault for focusing my attention

on my incorrigible appetite

I’m so sick of living my life

Focused on my empty plate

That I’m done being hungry

I want him..yes that doesn’t change

But I’m going to sit here

Instead of laying blame

And count every time he was kind to me

Every time he went out of his way to hold me

Or ask me about my day

Shifting my focus from what I don’t have

To what he’s already given me

Maybe that will change things

Adjust his indifference

Making the way he looks at me feel different

Helping him to forget about the woman

who was without my genuine qualities

Letting him have space to be human

Hopefully coming to love me

When he realizes I’m counting my blessings

Everytime I’m with him.

That I’m grateful for all his attention

That I would kill for his smile to be omnipresent

Hoping that my plate fills up with his laughter

Showing him that he brought light to my eyes

and a smile from me in the dark

His affection being what I’m after.

He Smiled at Me through His Pain

It’s Valentine’s Day

My little boy made me a card

It was a picture of him and I

With a T-Rex playing in an imaginary backyard

With a tree full of leaves at the top

Life is good when you’re six years old

And still in love with your mom

I smiled for him

He’s my little sweetheart

But behind my smile I hid the tear

Of gratitude that comes with having

At least one heart that holds me dear

I can’t put my finger on

What I’ve done so right

I’m lost as a single mom

And yet my son is growing up

To be a genuinely nice guy

Which helps open my eyes

To how I’ve been so focused on what I don’t have

That I’ve missed out on the love

Which flows to me with my every breath

For example

I walked into work today

Thinking about life’s shackles

Unhappy that this day can serve as a reminder

That I’m alone, possibly forever

Shackled down by the weight of despair

Letting the lack of love keep me feeling

Like nobody cares

But the truth is I’m just flying solo

Like Hans Solo

I’m a survivor

And I actually do have people that love my fire

Which was evident in the rose

I received when I walked into work

The energy drink that was bought for me

Pink cotton candy like

A sweet gesture that showed he thinks of me

And the loving hug I got from another

Who smiled at me through his own pain

And I also got chicken wings paid for

It’s like this day is all fire

Which helps me feel inspired to smile

It all started with a heart card

and a T-Rex playing in the backyard

My Valentines all fire.

Self Reflection

The shitty part is

That I can write all day

About what makes me sad

I have this tendency to just stay mad

At myself

Like I’m failing at life

And if I would just stay calm

Pondering for a second on what makes me beautiful

I could write about how proud I am

To be a survivor

Knock me down

And I can get back up like it was no bother

I’m thoughtful and kind

I will give you the shirt off my back

And as a matter of fact

I will laugh

Just to make you smile

I’ll tell you something funny

That maybe is only funny because nobody says

Socially inappropriate things

Quite like I do

Upon self reflection

I’m good at self reflection

I’m affectionate

I’ll find the compassion in my heart

That should have been there from the start

And I’ll forgive you

Because you’re human,

So I get you

My empathic self feeling your energy

I feel you,

And I’ll use my input to better your position

Just a few things I’m good at

If I really start to look at my reflection

And damned if I’m not a good mother

I’ll work every day, always working harder

Doing everything I can to support my son

Because I’m all he has

And that’s plenty

The plate in front of him will never be empty

I’m motivated to keep growing

And in the spirit of moving forward

I’ll take feedback

Tell me what you feel

Not what I want to hear

Because I’m not gonna lie to you

When you lend me your ear

I will cry with you

But that’s just because I’m here

Giving you all of me

I’m genuine as anyone could be

And if that doesn’t make me feel proud

I always have the sexy scar on my eyebrow

Or my green eyes that go grey

When I’m feeling a certain way

And my thick thighs

That can make the boys forget

that I’m only an eight on my best days

And even at an eight

At least I’m passionate

I’ll write you a love song

Or I’ll write you something savage

And that’s just for starters

Because I will try anything twice

Keeping an open mind

Upon reflection

I think I’m good at self reflection

And that makes me beautiful

I’ll Take My Gin in a Coffee Mug

I’m drinking my gin in a coffee mug

All my other glasses are sitting in the sink

waiting to be made clean

I decided that however sad I might look

gin tastes the same no matter the cup

It’s equal amounts gin and diet tonic

No lime simply because I was too lazy to cut it

I’m trying to forget that I’m home alone

and that the next couple of hours will drag

As slow as the moon across the sky

making nine o’clock to ten o’clock

then somehow the clock goes back to nine

Like time never moved though I swear

It was at least five in the morning

With me still laying mostly awake

in my queen size bed

I lay in the middle exactly

Staring at the wall in a kind of discomfort

that comes with waiting for a lover

to never call

Anxiety a trickle on my skin

Creepy crawling up and down my limbs

On my mind

is the mess that awaits for me in my kitchen,

How my messes are a direct reflection

of the brokenness that comes from

feeling like nobody’s friend

I could die in this sorrow

And the cycle would finally end

My sister would raise my child

in better circumstances

than my bank account and endless depression

His uncle Derek would be a father figure

and my failures could be a thing of memory

My friends…well if there were any

would come to clean out my place

Possibly one of them noticing

the mug of gin sitting mostly empty

next to the bed that I laid awake in

where I wasted hours wondering

about life without love

and if it would finally be that which kills me

I Can Do This Forever

I’m at the laundromat right now,

beginning this piece on my phone

and probably finishing it up on my laptop at home.

I’m alone.

Living through the motions.

Doing what I have to do,

like cleaning the house and trying not to suffocate on my emotions.

I am a strong woman,

devoted to my son.

Telling everybody who will listen that I am a single mom.

Not fishing for a man,

just damn proud of what I’ve been able to accomplish…

But maybe not happy as I am.

It’s hard sometimes,

Missing somebody that tells you lies,

like saying I’m beautiful when I’ve just rolled out of bed.

Or helping carry my groceries up three flights of steps.

Caring about my son’s happiness.

Giving him that male bonding experience.

Somebody to rough house with him

while I take a moment longer in the hot shower.

A minute longer to roll out of bed.

Missing somebody that helps me balance,

relaxing my stance under his strong hands.

Able to take deep breaths

because I know that someone will comfort me when I’m sad.

Tears running down my face as I write this

because I can do it alone,

I can do this forever.

No naps, no pausing to check the weather.

But….deep breath…

It would be a relief,

Matter of fact a pleasure,

To share my son’s smile with someone who matters.

To have a man that gathers us into his arms

and whispers forever.

It would be beautiful if I had someone who read my expressions,

who paid close attention to my body language

and was there for me before I made mention of my struggles.

I couldn’t tell you how much I would appreciate

being allowed a moment to be weak,

To not have to care after my own heartbeat for just a second

I could rest my head on his chest and just breathe

That is how I picture heaven.

But I guess we all have something we’ve never had,

and I’m just that woman looking in the window

of a life that isn’t mine to have.

Alone, but I can do this forever,

even if the thought makes me sad.

A Six out of Ten

It’s been more than a week since you’ve asked for me

Longer still since you’ve held me

It’s feels like a breakup

Though I was never your woman

Just a convenient bed mate

Someone, I assumed, you saw as a six out of ten

Not an eight and definitely not an eleven

I’m average at best

Not pretty enough to make you think twice about not responding to my texts

It’s a never ending cycle with men

Me wishing for more

And getting treated like a whore

Doesn’t matter how good I can suck dick

If you aren’t into me

Then there’s no chance of loving me

Even if I can make you wet your pants

Without touching you

I’m cursed with great moves

And slick hips

A small mouth and curious eyes

Waiting for you to ask me a thoughtful question

Waiting for you to say that my mood wasn’t an issue

That you will care for me even when I need a tissue

Or three

My womanly emotions getting in the way of your happy ending

I wish you could have handled that

Wish you could have handled me being real

Because I’m sick of fake men

Aged out youth

Immature even when society calls you a man

You got a few years on me

And yet….and yet….

I’m still just a hen

in your game of chicken

You didn’t even think twice on if I was worth it

Just fucked me as long as you could take me from the back

And the minute I turned around to ask you if you loved me

You acted like I was crazy

For thinking that sharing my body was something amazing

That loving you was on my mind

Making you think I was careless with my feelings

Like opening my legs for you was just expected

Because I’m a six out of ten

And girls like me,

No matter how real

No matter how funny

Can’t be more than the mattress that cushions their back

Or at least that’s how I took it

When you didn’t call me back.

A Flower of Truth

I keep the sunshine in my pocket

Cloudy days not a shadow on my conscious

I wake up each morning

And never watch the weather

Because the weather never matters

I will be happy to live the day through

And nothing will keep me

from a grateful attitude

Not snowy days nor rain showers

I’m like a flower that continues to bloom

Cut me to the root and I will sprout anew

Petals of the earth,

beautifully bright and dark hues

Finding depth in my truth

I’m courageous enough to grow

My mistakes helping me break the mold

Not another like me

No woman to compare me to

I’m as special as the moon

My smile a trail of light in the dark

Finding ways through with a laugh

That sparks a fire on a match

Never completely lost

No matter the direction

Or distance

I can get distracted

but not knocked off balance

I’m like a willow tree

Flowing like water in the wind

Flexibility my mentality

Keeping up with my integrity,

I am never ashamed of who I am

And never afraid to shed my skin

Like a serpent that grows bigger

Pacing myself if only at a slither

Because sometimes walking comes later

Always moving in a direction

That suits my vulnerability

Growing pains a constant pleasure

Because no matter the weather

I bloom.