Whispers of “I can”

Now.

The world inside of me now reflects.

Great changes.

I am peace and chaos. Life speeds up as it slows down.

Every “yes” an adventure.

Every “no” a shift.

Firmly spent. I cash it in at sunrise each day.

I float where once I might have stumbled.

Light rushes in at all moments. A smile not a hard thing.

Freedom and dance.

Songs living in my chest.

Things are happening, now. Great things.

Sprouted from a seed of gratitude.

Soiled in whispers of “I can”.

Watered with new beginnings. Sun shining upon its place.

Karmic debt has been paid.

Now. Lives in each breath.

Now.

Freshly dressed in hope and confidence.

Resolve to better. I let the wind take some things.

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[You didn’t ask, but] I take my coffee black.

Hand softly enclosed around mine

Bed sheets hardly covering my glowing white flesh

Flat on my back

Mouth closed, eyes wide

finding every light shadowed across the room

Moonlight nearly denied by old drapery

I breathe in and out through my nose

quietly finding myself in the space next to you

Your snores oddly comforting, filling the quiet that lurks

in the space between each breath.

Confused in random sleeping intervals,

falling asleep to the security

of your fingertips on my flesh,

at least half a smirk played across my lips

at the intimacy of falling asleep holding hands.

Abruptly waking to either you or I adjusting positions

finding that the only position

is to sleep belly down

head rested opposite a vision of you

arm sprawled across my upright ear.

I finally awake to you scrolling absent mindlessly on your phone

ready for my departure, though seemingly patient.

I don’t trust you though your skin pulls my eyes

my lips finding you gentle

a reminder that I came here for you

finding one more moment of longing

expressed in short gasps

before I’m exhausted of your space

and feel a sudden need to flee your bed

The sun finding the first gaps in the cloudy horizon

air crisp, cold deep breaths

freedom filling my lungs as I start my vehicle’s engine

recognizing the energy I’ve expended

on being happy and complacent for your benefit

No longer un-impressed with the weight of your baggage.

I’m inclined to remember each moment with an empty smile and happy hellos when you text.

Your interest hardly a prize in short sentences and long journeys

in which my status as a queen must go unquestioned but always tested

and your pursuit a requirement

Hardly dwelling on the moments

when your laughter filled my eyes

and comfort was your dark skin

warm in the night folds which loved me for moments

as I found myself dreaming of you,

eyes wide open

fingers lightly tracing my desires into your bare skin.

My Love For You Killed in Your Temper

When your temper left you

In long sentences and dark tones

Aimed at me like a shotgun 

Of forgotten kisses and sleepless nights

As we loved one another 

In sharp intakes and happy smiles

I wonder if it is fair that I loved you

Until you showed your hate?

I said to you that this moment

Was likely to reshape my opinion of you 

Which formed in the quiet moments you had once

Smiled at me with a soft gaze

Had you asked me just the day before 

Or even an hour before,

I would have said yes, I love you 

In a quiet way

The way I love you is tender and loyal

Open to your humanness and imperfections

Not looking for you to inspire great moments

Just true embraces and small acts of kindness

In the moment that I disappointed you

Flames on a match 

Thrown on a pile of wood you had already stacked

High and sprinkled with gasoline

For just the right moment to tell me 

What you really think

I felt it unfair to not prepare me with a 

Small glass of water 

Or a chance to speak in between your sentences

Because isn’t that what real conversation is?

A back and forth 

Where two souls share thoughts and opinions

Each equally allowed moments

To digress

On opinions shared? 

Yet you spoke to me as if 

I was just meant to listen while you beat your chest

And told me everything I’ve already known

As if I am a child and you are a man

Whilst I wonder if being a man is a great feet

If earning it doesn’t mean 

Learning how to be slow and kind

In the face of challenge which comes from

Bedding a woman who learned to love you in your indifference

Consequence a word placed in each pause

As I finally thought to share with you

My affection,

Answered not in your kind nature

Which I once considered
Gentle as the constance of the sea

Beating across the soft sands of the coast

Begging me to flee to its depths

And instead in the moment 

When my peace mattered more than yours

I found you empty of empathy

And not at all sympathetic to my love

Which made the apology you texted me

Before you fell asleep 

Feel like a shovel full of dirt

Burying a coffin which inside laid 

A withering flower 

Buried before its very death

As it happened to realize 

The sun it thought to be shining on it 

Was actually just a lamp bored in rejection

And longing 

A light bulb with a timestamp

Though the flower, my heart,

Never stopped being kind in the dark

Murderous Beat

I keep hearing I’m sweet

Like the look in my eyes

Doesn’t match my murderous beat

I can say,  “Please…

really look at me.”

The way I smile is just a tease

A lie

Behind sweet

I’m thinking about how

I will be bringing you to your knees

Like a fucking savage

Thinking ‘bout how you will lie on your back

Like you trust me not to bite your belly

Blood in my teeth

You taste yummy

Your opinion of me is my gasoline

Are you feeling my hostility?!

Observing is not your best quality

Sick of being told I look cute

When I know I can be sexy

I’m a woman not a damn puppy

And I’m badass in situations

That challenge me

Fucking sick of being

That girl that nobody takes literally

Got me tripping, like I’m an obscurity

Thinking about an incision

Knife in my teeth

I got words of killer quality

You got me laughing at your opinion

Hysterically, my life full of mediocrity 

DON’T YOU FUCKING SEE ME!?

Do you not have vision 

of what I could be?

Just staring at me like I’m fishing

I look you in the eyes deliberately

Gazing at you lovingly

And with a vengeance 

I’m all passion

But tell me I’m sweet one more damn time

And watch me go savage

Self Reflection

The shitty part is 

That I can write all day

About what makes me sad

I have this tendency to just stay mad

At myself

Like I’m failing at life

And if I would just stay calm

Pondering for a second on what makes me beautiful 

I could write about how proud I am

To be a survivor 

Knock me down

And I can get back up like it was no bother

I’m thoughtful and kind

I will give you the shirt off my back

And as a matter of fact

I will laugh

Just to make you smile

I’ll tell you something funny

That maybe is only funny because nobody says

Socially inappropriate things

Quite like I do

Upon self reflection

I’m good at self reflection

I’m affectionate

I’ll find the compassion in my heart

That should have been there from the start

And I’ll forgive you 

Because you’re human,

So I get you 

My empathic self feeling your energy

I feel you,

And I’ll use my input to better your position 

Just a few things I’m good at

If I really start to look at my reflection

And damned if I’m not a good mother

I’ll work every day, always working harder

Doing everything I can to support my son

Because I’m all he has

And that’s plenty 

The plate in front of him will never be empty

I’m motivated to keep growing

And in the spirit of moving forward 

I’ll take feedback

Tell me what you feel

Not what I want to hear

Because I’m not gonna lie to you

When you lend me your ear

I will cry with you

But that’s just because I’m here

Giving you all of me

I’m genuine as anyone could be

And if that doesn’t make me feel proud

I always have the sexy scar on my eyebrow

Or my green eyes that go grey

When I’m feeling a certain way

And my thick thighs

That can make the boys forget 

that I’m only an eight on my best days

And even at an eight

At least I’m passionate

I’ll write you a love song

Or I’ll write you something savage

And that’s just for starters

Because I will try anything twice

Keeping an open mind

Upon reflection

I think I’m good at self reflection 

And that makes me beautiful

The Ways of a Daffodil

The color of a daffodil,

Yellow and happy

Not unlike the teeth you bare 

When you smile at me

The flower is sunshine 

With petals that curl open

Around a second layer of equally beautiful yellow

Which encloses around the center

Compelling me to think

That the flower knows its value

Just as you know you can bring my heart value

The flower full of life

Bright and warm, 

Sharing its summer 

with the one who yearns for a better day

But the second layer of petal is protective

Not opening up to the world

Just as your heart seems just out of reach

No matter how you laugh with me

Even in my moments of sorrow,

Your concerning gaze

The comforting embrace 

Or the words you say to pull me back to okay,

It’s like the smell of the flower

So alluring

How can one be consumed in misery 

When such beauty

Is present in all its imperfections

Like the hairs in your beard that aren’t quite combed straight

Or the way you sometimes forget

To make sure that I am okay

As if you care,

But could never love me

The way the flower opens up incompletely

A Flower of Truth

I keep the sunshine in my pocket

Cloudy days not a shadow on my conscious

I wake up each morning 

And never watch the weather

Because the weather never matters

I will be happy to live the day through

And nothing will keep me 

from a grateful attitude

Not snowy days nor rain showers

I’m like a flower that continues to bloom

Cut me to the root and I will sprout anew

Petals of the earth,

beautifully bright and dark hues

Finding depth in my truth

I’m courageous enough to grow 

My mistakes helping me break the mold

Not another like me

No woman to compare me to

I’m as special as the moon

My smile a trail of light in the dark

Finding ways through with a laugh 

That sparks a fire on a match

Never completely lost

No matter the direction

Or distance

I can get distracted

but not knocked off balance

I’m like a willow tree

Flowing like water in the wind

Flexibility my mentality

Keeping up with my integrity,

I am never ashamed of who I am

And never afraid to shed my skin

Like a serpent that grows bigger

Pacing myself if only at a slither

Because sometimes walking comes later

Always moving in a direction

That suits my vulnerability 

Growing pains a constant pleasure

Because no matter the weather

I bloom. 

The Lone Wolf

I can feel the swell of heartbreak, in my chest…

in my smile.

I look for love

Always trying to drink from a dry well

Hurting myself, forgetting to breathe

Suffocated by the misery of unkept promises,

Unfilled expectations…

Wondering how I will survive another day shadowed in sadness…

Another day of being alone

Wanted by men who are really just boys, 

Pursued half heartedly by whores,

Not one of them strong enough to hold me…to hug me.

I look down, escaping the eyes of those around me.

Knowing that they see me for nothing…nothing of my truth.

I’m battleworn not broken.

I need support not saving.

I need eyes and tongue,

a hand on my leg when he’s driving.

Possession though I won’t be owned,

I swallow the tears back…

the lovesickness dispelling gloom from my essence,

The longing morphing time into an eternity of sorrow.

I am unloved. Forgotten and gone already.

Dying more each day in my self sacrifice.

Wishing for everything

and getting only that which I have bled for.

Bleeding on this paper,

I die again and am reborn into the lone wolf,

alone and hungry.

Alone, If Not for the Moon

I want you to know that 

Im only lonely when you hold me

Only starved when there is no food in front of me

Only full when your kisses meant nothing

And I’m back on track remembering that the love I gave you was 

actually just me being silly

Forgetful when you ask after my heartbeat

Full of optimism when you smile at me

and yet heartbroken that you would think of me only at night

When the moon is high

and the size of your bed makes you feel empty

Snuggled in the sheets with a woman to hold your body

Keeping at bay the nightmares that come from a lifetime of yearning

Never satisfied with the love that is hanging 

On your every word

The love that is waiting for you to call me pretty…beautiful

To say you love my laugh 

even in your worst moods

The love that awaits if you would claim me

no matter the crowd that surrounds you.

Hoping you think of me next valentines

Or possibly come around to loving me by April fools…

I am full of deep breaths when I am crying

And I only cry when there is no moon. 

Gin and Tonic

I’ve been drinking

And thinking

Contemplating

Running through my thoughts

Kinda feeling crazy

Wondering about me

And where I ought to be

Thinking about him

And how far away he is emotionally

Another gulp of gin and tonic

Head feeling lighter, though the pain seems chronic

I’m like a child that never learns

Laying in bed thinking about my behaviors

Canceling out all my wins

Focusing on the failures

Feeling like a sudden cessation of power

A disaster less self aware than a narcissistic mother

Plastered in this alcohol

In this game of life that keeps building up a wall

I can’t break it down

Periodically adding bricks as if my job is to lay it down

In front of me

Blocking my path to success in spite of me

Drinking down the liquor as if it carries me

Showing no sign of texting him if he isn’t texting me

Playing the dumb bitch who wants sex with he

Asking him over as if he would follow me

Knowing he ain’t coming because…well look at me

My curves aren’t enough to beckon thee

My words aren’t sweet enough to sugar coat my feelings

I drink it down because he ain’t gonna like the way these verses read

Go ahead and lie as if you think of me…

I’ve been rehearsing

I don’t give a fuck, no apology.

I’m drunk enough to tell you

That I won’t fuck with you

Unless you got me

My man better be in my corner mentally and physically

Worrying about my needs and my wants respectfully

Loving me

Gin and tonic

Now he’s calling, how ironic

Think he misses my mouth on his man hose

My words on his ego

Reacting to his feelings like they are my flow

Because of the way his smile glows

In this game of quid pro quo

Chaos creating love when it shouldn’t be

I should have stayed in bed wondering…

Now I’m alone in his arms like I couldn’t be

anything but his boo thing

At least that’s what he calls me

Jamie….babe…baby….booty call

And this gin and tonic bringing me back to the wall

Carrying me

Embracing love that will never be

Glass always half empty

Pouring me another

Gin and tonic.