Fathers Can Leave

If a man were to say to me that he was wanting to be a father, I would encourage him. “Children are a joy. Their innocence gives hope.” 

If you were my sister, however…and for that matter a woman at all, I would give you something more fair in response. I would like to tell you that if you choose to be a mother at all, do it under the assumption that you will be a single mom. I would like to say, dear god choose yourself instead because over here isn’t for the faint of heart. Alternatively, I would probably lead with a story of how I almost let Walmart take my dignity and sanity, again. Shopping with children is the worst. Especially when you are shopping on a nearly broken budget. Telling you the truth in a parable. Don’t be an idiot, I will passively declare.

I would never try to teach you the presence that my child’s smile brings or how hugs from babies who need you are the best. 

I wouldn’t lead with how my children save my life. 

I would just share with you on how they steal it. Little thieves of time. 

I tell you that you must choose the worst or nothing at all. You must be all in. The price is your dreams and your youth. 

If your heart still calls for motherhood when you rationalize how bad it can and probably will get, then I say, “Children are a joy. Their innocence gives hope.”

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Solution Driven Mindset – Moving Toward Joy

Dear Self,

I must always go in the direction of joy. 

Minor setbacks, obstacles, and inconveniences are – at the end of the day – just tasks that must be completed. If I could just look at each task as an end unto itself, and not the building blocks to a bigger conspiracy theory, then I would be at peace while handling those tasks. I must remember to be grateful for what I can do. Being lazy and letting tasks go unfinished is not a good indication that I am grateful. 

I should know that I must do everything I can to cultivate peace and prosperity in my life. Not prioritizing that is madness. I must always go in the direction of joy. This pertains to everything in life. A clean kitchen brings me joy, so I must clean it. While doing the task of cleaning, I cannot allow myself to feel bitter about spending my time on that task, even as other tasks call for my attention. In this mindset, it is actually madness to hate doing the dishes, or folding laundry, or bringing calm to your child who cries when it isn’t most convenient for you. The correct response is to feel gratitude. Gratitude that the dirty dishes were a result of consuming delicious food and laundry a result of having clothes to wear. Being able to bring calm to your crying child is proof that your presence is important, your body a temple. To leave those tasks, without completion, brings anxiety. Peace cannot be found in a dirty home. 

This applies to my opinions of other people, places, and things. Can I stop attaching negative feelings to life experiences? If my ex doesn’t show up for our child or if my son used seven different cups to drink milk today, it is not proof that my life is terrible. It can only overwhelm me if I allow it to. If I could just release the anger and resentment, I would be able to identify things as being a neutral experience. I can let go because no other way will serve me. Now I can look at every reaction, every question, every experience and answer it with, “What action or reaction will make me most joyful? Most grateful? Most at peace?” Once I indentify what next move will bring me the most joy and peace, I must act. This allows me to let go of any situation and be non-committed to the end results.I am only focused on the tasks. One task at a time. One action, one move, one step at a time – and always towards joy and peace. Should the results be unfavorable, I can look at it as a task and again move towards joy in completion. Though soon this process guarantees mostly good days, months, and years. Happiness must exist because it is chosen. 

The Bird’s Song

I reminded myself that I am lovely

As the bird’s song danced through my windowsill

My eyes barely holding open

Against the warm sunlight that bathed my skin

I woke up ready to fight for me

Then I laid awake, in blissful peace

Listening to the bird’s song

Which pleases me

And in the pulls of my smile, 

I reminded myself of my beauty

Finding it first in the bird’s purity

And then within myself

Where the song lives, chirp chirp chirping.