Burden

There’s this space in my chest

that fills me. 

Existing heavily and thoroughly.

Maybe it’s the lack of sleep 

making me crazy. 

My body existing around the abyss,

paradoxically consumed by its essence.

Inside of me but not of me. 

Of me, but my dreams are not part of the recipe.

My dreams absorbed or worn like skin, but just the beginnings survive. 

The ends may yet live in the blackness or just beyond it.

Inside of my hollow chest is weighted nothingness. 

Or inside of the hollow nothingness, I exist? 

How can one know if in the abyss? 

I’ve never known how to point to something

that was formless. 

I cannot wait to breath, yet all I do is wait for the next inhale. 

I want silence, but everything screams it’s presence. 

I want love but would settle for contempt.

I want peace but would settle for adrenaline. 

I want meaning but would settle for the end of it. 

Spitting bars about the end of it.

Whispering I just want a friend in it.

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The Pain Before It’s Over

My heart knows

the loss of you

before my lips

have found the courage

to let you go.

I’m sitting inside myself,

mourning the hope of us

which will surely die

when I’ve spoken my truth.

I know what I will say,

given the opportunity

pattern making plain

the future.

I have my reply

before the conversation begins.

Saved on a notepad

for the next time that

you ask for my bed,

or claim that your schedule

is too busy for anything

more intimate.

Ask me

and I will copy and paste

my freedom into our text.

The pain, by then,

will be almost over

because I’ve been prepared

for your response

by predictability.

Allowing me to mourn

your answer

long before you spoke it.

It may confuse you,

that I even thought to

give opportunity to this conversation

when I knew your answer was

bound to hurt me,

but I thought that assumption

was shallow

and I wanted to give you

the chance to purposely

choose me.

Hope

A Hope That Lives in A Blade Of Grass

There is a deer

eating the green that sprouts inconsistently

in the wood behind my home.

From my window,

I watch as its half starved body

attempts to recover from winter,

stepping slowly here and there.

Hardly lifting its head

from the task.

Not greedy, just in need.

Nature’s garden giving hope

for this creature to live,

living just an act of endurance;

enduring the consequence that is life.

I sit here at my window

finding myself comparing

its feeding frenzy

to how I feel when I touch

your skin.

How your kiss pulls my breath

and yet gives my soul life in great gasps.

I know my longing

to be a hard winter

though I endure instead of moving on

to a climate more forgiving.

Letting your short attention span

which finds me once a week if I’m lucky

(but oh, how I love the days that you give me),

or the breakfast you once made me

be a gift that keeps giving

like the hope that lives,

for the deer,

in a blade of grass.

To say I love you is a risk

I asked you a question

Meant to be rhetorical

And yet your answer to it

Made me pause

And reflect on my assumptions

What started as just a flirty statement

Made me think I’ve let us both down

Though I haven’t the courage to change it

“Have I ever told you how much you mean to me?”

You answered, “no”.

And then I replied with, “oh”.

I thought it had been obvious 

That you mean more to me 

Than the words that have left my lips

In the way I look at you

The sway of my hips

I couldn’t tell you, “I love you”

Not in that moment

And not in the next

You haven’t given me reason

To trust you with my heart just yet

No encouragement from you 

To share my vulnerabilities

I can’t run to you with my insecurities

And even though you have left every expectation clearly laid out in front of me

No complications

No dinner or movies

Just sex

I can’t help but look at you

Or smile when you fall asleep holding my hand

Mesmerised by the richness of your skin

The sweetness in your eyes

And the way your heart sounds in your chest

I think the world should see you

Through my lens

I need no encouragement to love you

Because you’re beautiful in all your imperfections

and I see a good man who deserves my patience

I relish your smiles 

And the way you kiss me so softly

As if it were really just a dream

No, I haven’t told you what you mean to me

And quite possibly I will never

Express myself so openly 

As I do on this paper

Which holds my heart

And bares my vulnerabilities

I will keep writing about you though

And someday, I hope that you will come to love me

And should you never find in me

What I have in you

at least I know that I loved you selflessly

Not needing any encouragement

Or promise from you

The Ways of a Daffodil

The color of a daffodil,

Yellow and happy

Not unlike the teeth you bare 

When you smile at me

The flower is sunshine 

With petals that curl open

Around a second layer of equally beautiful yellow

Which encloses around the center

Compelling me to think

That the flower knows its value

Just as you know you can bring my heart value

The flower full of life

Bright and warm, 

Sharing its summer 

with the one who yearns for a better day

But the second layer of petal is protective

Not opening up to the world

Just as your heart seems just out of reach

No matter how you laugh with me

Even in my moments of sorrow,

Your concerning gaze

The comforting embrace 

Or the words you say to pull me back to okay,

It’s like the smell of the flower

So alluring

How can one be consumed in misery 

When such beauty

Is present in all its imperfections

Like the hairs in your beard that aren’t quite combed straight

Or the way you sometimes forget

To make sure that I am okay

As if you care,

But could never love me

The way the flower opens up incompletely

This Tear

I keep writing about you

As if you will ever read any of this

I laid awake last night

Waiting for you to call but you didn’t 

Apparently “I will see you later”

Is actually just a passive statement

Not meant to imply that you are setting aside time for me

Who would have thought it?

Now I’m up at six a.m. 

Feeling like shit about my own reflection

Wondering if I lost the weight in my stomach

Or looked different

Would that make this pain less omnipresent?

I’m thinking about the lost sleep

The feeling of gloom that shadowed my soul

As I laid in my bed, quite possibly forever alone

I didn’t cry but maybe I ought to

I just thought I would be damned

If I let you get one more tear

Knowing you were probably snuggled next to another woman’s ear

Whispering the things

That I had wished to hear

And now I have to look in the mirror

And compose myself

Knowing I’ve lost another night’s sleep 

Because I choose this cell

Imprisoned by my choices in men

Never able to quite comprehend

My own accountability in this mess

Confused by the pain

As I continue wishing for you in vain

But I’ll be damned if you get this tear.

Alone, If Not for the Moon

I want you to know that 

Im only lonely when you hold me

Only starved when there is no food in front of me

Only full when your kisses meant nothing

And I’m back on track remembering that the love I gave you was 

actually just me being silly

Forgetful when you ask after my heartbeat

Full of optimism when you smile at me

and yet heartbroken that you would think of me only at night

When the moon is high

and the size of your bed makes you feel empty

Snuggled in the sheets with a woman to hold your body

Keeping at bay the nightmares that come from a lifetime of yearning

Never satisfied with the love that is hanging 

On your every word

The love that is waiting for you to call me pretty…beautiful

To say you love my laugh 

even in your worst moods

The love that awaits if you would claim me

no matter the crowd that surrounds you.

Hoping you think of me next valentines

Or possibly come around to loving me by April fools…

I am full of deep breaths when I am crying

And I only cry when there is no moon. 

Gin and Tonic

I’ve been drinking

And thinking

Contemplating

Running through my thoughts

Kinda feeling crazy

Wondering about me

And where I ought to be

Thinking about him

And how far away he is emotionally

Another gulp of gin and tonic

Head feeling lighter, though the pain seems chronic

I’m like a child that never learns

Laying in bed thinking about my behaviors

Canceling out all my wins

Focusing on the failures

Feeling like a sudden cessation of power

A disaster less self aware than a narcissistic mother

Plastered in this alcohol

In this game of life that keeps building up a wall

I can’t break it down

Periodically adding bricks as if my job is to lay it down

In front of me

Blocking my path to success in spite of me

Drinking down the liquor as if it carries me

Showing no sign of texting him if he isn’t texting me

Playing the dumb bitch who wants sex with he

Asking him over as if he would follow me

Knowing he ain’t coming because…well look at me

My curves aren’t enough to beckon thee

My words aren’t sweet enough to sugar coat my feelings

I drink it down because he ain’t gonna like the way these verses read

Go ahead and lie as if you think of me…

I’ve been rehearsing

I don’t give a fuck, no apology.

I’m drunk enough to tell you

That I won’t fuck with you

Unless you got me

My man better be in my corner mentally and physically

Worrying about my needs and my wants respectfully

Loving me

Gin and tonic

Now he’s calling, how ironic

Think he misses my mouth on his man hose

My words on his ego

Reacting to his feelings like they are my flow

Because of the way his smile glows

In this game of quid pro quo

Chaos creating love when it shouldn’t be

I should have stayed in bed wondering…

Now I’m alone in his arms like I couldn’t be

anything but his boo thing

At least that’s what he calls me

Jamie….babe…baby….booty call

And this gin and tonic bringing me back to the wall

Carrying me

Embracing love that will never be

Glass always half empty

Pouring me another

Gin and tonic.

This Title is for You

I never title before I write

I start with a slow breath

And the soft clicking of the keys begins

Not knowing what I am about to say

Before my fingers compose my heart

My soul opening like a wound that never heals

Cut open again and again

The title finding me only after I have bled my feelings

Decloaking my fears,

Naked with scars and salty trails

of old tears still on my soft skin

It usually begins with you, my sweet

There is a part of me that I cannot quiet 

Growing louder as ink appears on paper

Always about my broken heart

Waiting for you to heal it

Wishing for a chance to kiss you

I write about how I miss you,

How I need you to hold me with certainty,

I’m lonely for your affection

I know you see me

Your gaze finding me in quiet moments

I feel my laughter touch you

And yet I wait, in longing,

With the promise of love if you would just reach for me

Waiting for you to whisper in my ear

Your words finding me in my darkest moments

Pulling my lips across my teeth

I smile for you as you beckon my heart

Seeing my soul reflected in your warm eyes

And the title shall be

“You Gave Me My Calm”

It shall be, 

“You Found Me”