To say I love you is a risk

I asked you a question

Meant to be rhetorical

And yet your answer to it

Made me pause

And reflect on my assumptions

What started as just a flirty statement

Made me think I’ve let us both down

Though I haven’t the courage to change it

“Have I ever told you how much you mean to me?”

You answered, “no”.

And then I replied with, “oh”.

I thought it had been obvious 

That you mean more to me 

Than the words that have left my lips

In the way I look at you

The sway of my hips

I couldn’t tell you, “I love you”

Not in that moment

And not in the next

You haven’t given me reason

To trust you with my heart just yet

No encouragement from you 

To share my vulnerabilities

I can’t run to you with my insecurities

And even though you have left every expectation clearly laid out in front of me

No complications

No dinner or movies

Just sex

I can’t help but look at you

Or smile when you fall asleep holding my hand

Mesmerised by the richness of your skin

The sweetness in your eyes

And the way your heart sounds in your chest

I think the world should see you

Through my lens

I need no encouragement to love you

Because you’re beautiful in all your imperfections

and I see a good man who deserves my patience

I relish your smiles 

And the way you kiss me so softly

As if it were really just a dream

No, I haven’t told you what you mean to me

And quite possibly I will never

Express myself so openly 

As I do on this paper

Which holds my heart

And bares my vulnerabilities

I will keep writing about you though

And someday, I hope that you will come to love me

And should you never find in me

What I have in you

at least I know that I loved you selflessly

Not needing any encouragement

Or promise from you

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The Devil’s Smile is Sometimes Welcome

When you left me

I couldn’t breathe

I was mostly fine at work

Once the first hour in the shift

Rolled into three

By lunch time I had little thought

That consumed me 

If it wasn’t green and cut from a tree

Paying my bills

Working to live 

It’s how I got through my heartache

When you said complicated wasn’t your scene

The drive home was something else entirely

The colors of the setting sun

Yellow orange and pink

Nothing like the beauty of ever after

In the sky to remind oneself

That you decided I wasn’t worthy of time spent

By nightfall I was a wreck

Looking through my window at the blades of grass

Which stretch to the wood

Just behind my place

The grass I know to be the color

That always looked best on your skin

And the wood a hallow place

Not unlike the void 

That consumed me in my stress

Wondering how I would get through a day

 Or a lifetime without you

Begging the full moon

To remind you of my beauty

A light to guide you back to me

In the darkness of never

Strange how those wicked nights

Turned into days passed

When time felt unmovable

And life without your love

A hopeless journey

Now I can look at you 

With an empty smile

Lost to me forever 

in the memories of a hope passed

I’m stronger now

But still lonely

Though loneliness feels less suffocating

now that I’ve accepted never

Letting go of the dream 

I had dreamed of you loving me

Looking at the place you had once filled

In my hopeful wonder

That place next to my son and I

Worthy of our love and loyalty

You standing tall like a soldier

Who would always fight for me

That space is now empty

But I’ve removed your name 

From the trophy

The one you would have carried 

Had you made the choice

To hold me under the setting sun

Into the next day and year

Where forever awaited 

in quiet moments, warm smiles, 

and whispers in the ear

I can breathe now

Knowing it is you who has truly lost

No matter the great company you will find

I know that to have me

Is a gift not meant to be given

in the name of hospitality

I’m like a precious stone

A woman full of wonder in her eyes

Wonder you have chosen to live without

And if I had a chance to spend my life

Without wonder and love, 

it would be death

Similar to the first days

I lived knowing your love was taken from me

Which is such a relief

It’s like getting sent to hell

When you have already 

lived through it for an etnerity

Sometimes knowing I can survive

Is all the remedy I need when feeling lonely

Sometimes the devil’s smile is welcome

When I am certain

That I am a trophy that may sit forever

On a lonely shelf

In the quiet space where you should have loved me

The Witch of Breadcrumbs and Smiles

I felt pretty today

Though not a single man spoke to it

I felt lighter today

Though I ate pizza rolls the night before

Knowing with each bite,

My belly would become more bloated

I don’t know how I woke up

Feeling the sun on my skin

When the clouds kept the sun to just a dim

I’m confused on why happiness chased me

Or rather was a trail that I left

Like bread crumbs and smiles

Though I had no candy or special prize to offer

I wasn’t dealt a loss that was more than I could handle

or more than I expected

My feet are a bit sore

But I could have stayed at work 

An hour longer than requested

I even found myself airing up

My semi flat tire after a long day’s work

Without a thought to how bitter the air 

Felt on my cheeks

Fighting the slow leak 

I’ve noticed since several weeks back

I even laughed more than I had yesterday

Catch me making gains

On the surface

I wonder why the pain wasn’t present?

Why was the calm so omnipresent?

I caught myself smiling 

And didn’t even hold my breath one time

To hear the thoughts or opinions

Of any man that 

May have taken a moment to say

“You look like I wish you were mine.”

And my smile didn’t break 

When I walked into my apartment

Quiet as empty can sound

Not even my son’s laughter to fill the space

Fore he is staying the night at my mom’s place

I took a bath in silence

And found myself whistling an off beat tune

My thoughts were so quiet

I even had time to appreciate the moon

This is lovely I thought

My blankets making way for my warmth

I can sit here tonight

In silence 

And not waste a minute to mourn

The keys on this laptop softly clicking

Morphing this calm 

Into a trail of quiet joy

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I Want To Apologize For My Incorrigible Appetite

I think about him on and off throughout the day

Whether or not he does the same

Is a mystery

And it wouldn’t matter if he did

Because when he isn’t getting ahold of me

He isn’t kissing me

Or being attentive

He’s wrapped up in his own life

And I’m just a distraction

He’s got his priorities to look after

In the same breath, I have Zane to look after

and even though it scares him

that I’m a mother,

whose son needs a father figure

He said he is still drawn to my laughter…

that he will do better

But I held my breath so long

My face is turning purple

I might as well let other dudes 

Start spitting their game to me

As if I’m watching commercials

Flipping the channels 

Bored out my mind by the same old shit

Playing back to back

I’m sitting home alone

Reading books 

Drowning myself in paper

So that I don’t have time to think

about the word “lack”

Gotta stay busy 

Because really I like him too much

It’s not even a mystery

On why I’m sad

But I think his heart has been trampled 

By a woman he thought was worthy

The irony

I’m a great woman,

With integrity, 

whose affection would never leave him wondering

And he’s a great man who

Could never appreciate getting what he asked for

Because life is all about what we don’t have

Chasing after paper, attention, kisses, affection,

Appreciation from the one who

Only appreciates power…or distractions

And I’ve realized that it is my disposition

as much as his

to want for more than we get

That feeling the lack of attention

is actually my fault for focusing my attention

on my incorrigible appetite

I’m so sick of living my life

Focused on my empty plate

That I’m done being hungry

I want him..yes that doesn’t change

But I’m going to sit here 

Instead of laying blame

And count every time he was kind to me

Every time he went out of his way to hold me

Or ask me about my day

Shifting my focus from what I don’t have

To what he’s already given me

Maybe that will change things

Adjust his indifference

Making the way he looks at me feel different

Helping him to forget about the woman

who was without my genuine qualities

Letting him have space to be human

Hopefully coming to love me

When he realizes I’m counting my blessings 

Everytime I’m with him.

That I’m grateful for all his attention

That I would kill for his smile to be omnipresent

Hoping that my plate fills up with his laughter

Showing him that he brought light to my eyes

and a smile from me in the dark

His affection being what I’m after.

He Smiled at Me through His Pain

It’s Valentine’s Day

My little boy made me a card

It was a picture of him and I 

With a T-Rex playing in an imaginary backyard

With a tree full of leaves at the top

Life is good when you’re six years old 

And still in love with your mom

I smiled for him

He’s my little sweetheart

But behind my smile I hid the tear

Of gratitude that comes with having 

At least one heart that holds me dear

I can’t put my finger on

What I’ve done so right

I’m lost as a single mom

And yet my son is growing up

To be a genuinely nice guy

Which helps open my eyes

To how I’ve been so focused on what I don’t have

That I’ve missed out on the love

Which flows to me with my every breath

For example 

I walked into work today

Thinking about life’s shackles

Unhappy that this day can serve as a reminder

That I’m alone, possibly forever

Shackled down by the weight of despair

Letting the lack of love keep me feeling

Like nobody cares

But the truth is I’m just flying solo 

Like Hans Solo

I’m a survivor 

And I actually do have people that love my fire

Which was evident in the rose 

I received when I walked into work

The energy drink that was bought for me

Pink cotton candy like 

A sweet gesture that showed he thinks of me

And the loving hug I got from another

Who smiled at me through his own pain

And I also got chicken wings paid for

It’s like this day is all fire

Which helps me feel inspired to smile

It all started with a heart card

and a T-Rex playing in the backyard

My Valentines all fire.

A Six out of Ten

It’s been more than a week since you’ve asked for me

Longer still since you’ve held me

It’s feels like a breakup 

Though I was never your woman

Just a convenient bed mate

Someone, I assumed, you saw as a six out of ten

Not an eight and definitely not an eleven

I’m average at best

Not pretty enough to make you think twice about not responding to my texts

It’s a never ending cycle with men

Me wishing for more

And getting treated like a whore

Doesn’t matter how good I can suck dick

If you aren’t into me

Then there’s no chance of loving me

Even if I can make you wet your pants

Without touching you

I’m cursed with great moves 

And slick hips 

A small mouth and curious eyes

Waiting for you to ask me a thoughtful question

Waiting for you to say that my mood wasn’t an issue

That you will care for me even when I need a tissue 

Or three

My womanly emotions getting in the way of your happy ending

I wish you could have handled that

Wish you could have handled me being real

Because I’m sick of fake men

Aged out youth

Immature even when society calls you a man

You got a few years on me

And yet….and yet….

I’m still just a hen

in your game of chicken

You didn’t even think twice on if I was worth it

Just fucked me as long as you could take me from the back

And the minute I turned around to ask you if you loved me

You acted like I was crazy

For thinking that sharing my body was something amazing

That loving you was on my mind

Making you think I was careless with my feelings

Like opening my legs for you was just expected 

Because I’m a six out of ten

And girls like me,

No matter how real

No matter how funny

Can’t be more than the mattress that cushions their back

Or at least that’s how I took it

When you didn’t call me back. 

The Lone Wolf

I can feel the swell of heartbreak, in my chest…

in my smile.

I look for love

Always trying to drink from a dry well

Hurting myself, forgetting to breathe

Suffocated by the misery of unkept promises,

Unfilled expectations…

Wondering how I will survive another day shadowed in sadness…

Another day of being alone

Wanted by men who are really just boys, 

Pursued half heartedly by whores,

Not one of them strong enough to hold me…to hug me.

I look down, escaping the eyes of those around me.

Knowing that they see me for nothing…nothing of my truth.

I’m battleworn not broken.

I need support not saving.

I need eyes and tongue,

a hand on my leg when he’s driving.

Possession though I won’t be owned,

I swallow the tears back…

the lovesickness dispelling gloom from my essence,

The longing morphing time into an eternity of sorrow.

I am unloved. Forgotten and gone already.

Dying more each day in my self sacrifice.

Wishing for everything

and getting only that which I have bled for.

Bleeding on this paper,

I die again and am reborn into the lone wolf,

alone and hungry.

This Tear

I keep writing about you

As if you will ever read any of this

I laid awake last night

Waiting for you to call but you didn’t 

Apparently “I will see you later”

Is actually just a passive statement

Not meant to imply that you are setting aside time for me

Who would have thought it?

Now I’m up at six a.m. 

Feeling like shit about my own reflection

Wondering if I lost the weight in my stomach

Or looked different

Would that make this pain less omnipresent?

I’m thinking about the lost sleep

The feeling of gloom that shadowed my soul

As I laid in my bed, quite possibly forever alone

I didn’t cry but maybe I ought to

I just thought I would be damned

If I let you get one more tear

Knowing you were probably snuggled next to another woman’s ear

Whispering the things

That I had wished to hear

And now I have to look in the mirror

And compose myself

Knowing I’ve lost another night’s sleep 

Because I choose this cell

Imprisoned by my choices in men

Never able to quite comprehend

My own accountability in this mess

Confused by the pain

As I continue wishing for you in vain

But I’ll be damned if you get this tear.

I Won’t Pretend for You

I’m not that woman.

I can’t…I won’t,

smile while my heart is breaking. 

I won’t swallow back the scream

that is threatening to explode from my chest cavity

when you break my heart.

I won’t hide my feelings to make you feel comfortable.

I’m that wild kind.

The awkward kind…never too shy to show you my teeth.

The type that won’t let you whisper half hearted goodbyes.

I will bleed in front of you.

I will rage in front of you.

But I will cry alone…never allowing you to take my fire.

I’m not that woman.

I demand answers for unfulfilled promises,

Empty words that inspired me to hope,

For the kiss in the night

And the cold shoulder when the sun is out.

I’m not your damn pillow.

My kiss is just an echo of what’s real

You can’t run to me if you won’t fight for me

Remember that when you’re too much of a coward to follow your heart

Remember that when I look lovely…

When you catch me pacing back and forth 

Like a lioness that hasn’t quite decided whether I should eat you or protect you.

When your lies tangle together…

When loving me feels like a mistake.

I will never be anything other than what I have been all along.

I won’t pretend for you.

I love you. And I won’t pretend.

I’m not that woman.

Alone, If Not for the Moon

I want you to know that 

Im only lonely when you hold me

Only starved when there is no food in front of me

Only full when your kisses meant nothing

And I’m back on track remembering that the love I gave you was 

actually just me being silly

Forgetful when you ask after my heartbeat

Full of optimism when you smile at me

and yet heartbroken that you would think of me only at night

When the moon is high

and the size of your bed makes you feel empty

Snuggled in the sheets with a woman to hold your body

Keeping at bay the nightmares that come from a lifetime of yearning

Never satisfied with the love that is hanging 

On your every word

The love that is waiting for you to call me pretty…beautiful

To say you love my laugh 

even in your worst moods

The love that awaits if you would claim me

no matter the crowd that surrounds you.

Hoping you think of me next valentines

Or possibly come around to loving me by April fools…

I am full of deep breaths when I am crying

And I only cry when there is no moon.