The End is Just Ahead

I micromanaged my happiness

and was dead set on only enjoying life

if it worked out with him.

Our relationship made to be the conduit

for energy spent.

I left no space for miracles

and placed a ceiling on my growth.

Life got harder and harder,

I held on tighter.

My tunnel vision grew.

There were life wraths thrown,

exit signs pointed out,

words of wisdom throw up at the mouth.

And still I said no to peace

if I couldn’t have peace with him.

I want to end with some revelation,

to make it all make sense.

A deep exhale of my breath.

But it’s just a trail of lessons

I leave behind,

and problems to solve ahead.

Learning myself to no end.

There’s no standard set,

just endless wars

and big deep breaths.

My self-worth just ahead.

I will keep pushing for failure

until I am dead.

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You Leave The Door Open For Another

If you call me only when you think of me,

do you think of me only after you’ve been with another?

Or when you’ve hit a dry spell

that seems easily fixed by dialing my number?

If you think of me when you do not call,

does it cross your mind that I am not one

who appreciates lonely wednesday nights

and unspoken truths?

Can you tell that I am sick of you

after only a couple hours?

Annoyance at your lack of luster towards me

when you sit buried in your phone,

no doubt for girls that will fake smile for you

while I make myself at home.

You lie to me like the weather man,

finding it so easy to say things that 

really shouldn’t have been said to a woman

who lives by literal text.

I can hope for sunny weather

but my umbrella stays unpacked

next to the bottle of red that helps me

sleep through reckless anger.

Honey tastes like the way you look me in the eyes

and apologize for not being there…

A star twinkles in answer

when my heart hears you say 

“I can do better.”

Fire is my soul when you gift wrap your lies

in empty promise wrapper.

I want to remind you of a truth 

that sits on the elephant’s shoulder.

If you are not there (literally)…

If you do not celebrate me,

Then you leave the door open for another

to say goodnight and goodmorning

to both your child and I 

while you comfort yourself in excuses and lies.

Enough Said

My thoughts carry me

in gusting winds

to the things that I should have said.

Repeating moments that could have been,

imagining the space in time

where I took a deep breath

replaced by the pain I should have spoke to.

The moment when…

I’m fed up and burst

with the venom

that has been held back on my tongue

for the sake of your attention

until patience is no longer my grace

and I can’t look at you with kindness.

My anger a seed that rumbles in my chest

which grows rapidly like vines

out of my limbs

wrapping around my torso and lips

until it is all consuming,

and I, a deadly flower that you must’n pick.

In that moment,

my thoughts are carried to you

on the wind

falling short of your deaf ears

and egotistical stare

which stops me in my tracks.

The pain retreating into me suddenly,

the vines a shadow presence.

The futileness robs my vocal cords

just as suddenly as a storm ends.

Each time I’m taken there,

the wind stops abruptly at the dead end

which is your cold heart

and I’m left to sit

in the self loathing presence,

where the venom still lingers on my tongue

and my disappointment leaves me

a woman with less to give.

This Tear

I keep writing about you

As if you will ever read any of this

I laid awake last night

Waiting for you to call but you didn’t 

Apparently “I will see you later”

Is actually just a passive statement

Not meant to imply that you are setting aside time for me

Who would have thought it?

Now I’m up at six a.m. 

Feeling like shit about my own reflection

Wondering if I lost the weight in my stomach

Or looked different

Would that make this pain less omnipresent?

I’m thinking about the lost sleep

The feeling of gloom that shadowed my soul

As I laid in my bed, quite possibly forever alone

I didn’t cry but maybe I ought to

I just thought I would be damned

If I let you get one more tear

Knowing you were probably snuggled next to another woman’s ear

Whispering the things

That I had wished to hear

And now I have to look in the mirror

And compose myself

Knowing I’ve lost another night’s sleep 

Because I choose this cell

Imprisoned by my choices in men

Never able to quite comprehend

My own accountability in this mess

Confused by the pain

As I continue wishing for you in vain

But I’ll be damned if you get this tear.

I Won’t Pretend for You

I’m not that woman.

I can’t…I won’t,

smile while my heart is breaking. 

I won’t swallow back the scream

that is threatening to explode from my chest cavity

when you break my heart.

I won’t hide my feelings to make you feel comfortable.

I’m that wild kind.

The awkward kind…never too shy to show you my teeth.

The type that won’t let you whisper half hearted goodbyes.

I will bleed in front of you.

I will rage in front of you.

But I will cry alone…never allowing you to take my fire.

I’m not that woman.

I demand answers for unfulfilled promises,

Empty words that inspired me to hope,

For the kiss in the night

And the cold shoulder when the sun is out.

I’m not your damn pillow.

My kiss is just an echo of what’s real

You can’t run to me if you won’t fight for me

Remember that when you’re too much of a coward to follow your heart

Remember that when I look lovely…

When you catch me pacing back and forth 

Like a lioness that hasn’t quite decided whether I should eat you or protect you.

When your lies tangle together…

When loving me feels like a mistake.

I will never be anything other than what I have been all along.

I won’t pretend for you.

I love you. And I won’t pretend.

I’m not that woman.