Find me in the broken places
I’m here, in the cuts that my 13 year old self made
Razor blades on the wrist
Desperate for attention from my parents
And only finding refuge in the arms of a man
whose 30 year age gap didn’t stop him from undressing himself in front of me,
The door behind my back
Heart pounding…
As he called me a lush for having drank too much of the wine he had bought me
I’m here, in the darkness that took my eyesight
When my high school boyfriend first knocked me out
Realizing that bright spots surrounded with emptiness look like stars
Body hitting the floor
Waking up to his fist still going at my face
Curled into the fetal position as his foot took my breath from me
Here I be,
Held tight against the wall at 17,
His elbow on my throat,
Consciousness barely finding me
Up goes his other hand,
Knife in fist, struck out far enough to gain momentum as he means to stab me
Find me in the moment that I know I am dead
Adrenaline moving my arm,
thrusting a left handed uppercut into his chin,
Falling to my knees as I crawl away from him in his moment of shock and imbalance
Find me in the broken places
I’m right here, 18 years old and drugged…
I let a stranger hand me a drink and now it’s time to pay the price for trusting him,
Paralyzed on the ground,
A young man standing over me with an accessing look,
The carpet running against my skin as three devils drag me into the back bedroom
Hoping to claim my innocence
This is where I am
You will find me numb in pain
Concussion dulling my reactions
My ex husband holding a chair above his head
As he towers over my limp body
I’m here where the chair breaks open my skin
Coming down on me again and again
Until he is exhausted of aggression
Find me in my secrets
In the nightmares that haunt me…running from all the “hims”
I’m in the broken places
Where my heart has bled
Where men have picked me out and beaten me down
Here I am,
In the truth that love has never found me
That darkness has claimed me since I was a kid
In the place where I wish he would just hold me
And keep me safe
For once…
Find me in the bold print.